I dreamed of you again last night.
You were tiny and perfect and all mine. Grabby hands and brand new smiles. You loved me and I loved you and we were complete. Us against the world.
I see you everywhere I go. No, I look for you everywhere I go. In the tiny clothes and YouTube videos. In parks and playgrounds. My heart yearns for you, even though I don’t know you yet. It’s a physical ache, a weight I feel with every heartbeat.
There was a time where I actively rejected the thought of you. When other people brought you up, I would recoil in horror. You were not for me, and I was not for you. We would ruin each other – you, too needy; me, too selfish. I watched other people yearn to meet you and thought ‘Never. Not me.’
I never thought I’d change my mind. I never thought I’d wake each morning with you in the back of my head and front of my heart.
And yet, here we are. I do not know you yet, but I know I love you. I will love you. I’ll love you so much that I’ll move mountains for you, little one. I’ll rebuild my life around you, for you.
Don’t get me wrong. The mere thought of you terrifies me too. You are so fragile and I must be so strong for you. What if I break you? What if I damage you? What if you hate me? What if I resent you? What if you’d be better off as a dream?
What if I can’t do it? What if other people see us together and sneer? Judge? What if it’s all too much and I fall apart trying to build you up?
You do not exist yet. You will not exist for years to come – and until you do, I can only confront these questions in my dreams. But one day you’ll be here and it’ll be us against the world. Grabby hand and brand new smiles.