December is finally here, which means 2016 is nearly over and (more importantly) the festive season has truly begun. December means Christmas shopping (or, if you don’t celebrate Christmas, another type of holiday shopping; or perhaps just shopping for yourself), which can be a nightmare. So today I thought I’d help you along with a little gift guide to get you started.
Being a feminist blog, however, I could write just any old gift guide. Oh no, this is a feminist gift guide – for all the angry, shouty feminists in your life!
Every good feminist needs a pair of really good high heels – for stomping on the patriarchy with. Or on the hearts of men. Or on actual men. Feminists tend to do a lot of stomping.
You want a pair of really good spiky heels to cause optimum damage, so be sure to find the highest, pointiest, sharpest heels you can. Bonus points if they’re red, like the blood of angry men.
We all know that feminists are very angry people, and they’re planning to destroy all men. So why not help them along with a nice notebook this season – one where they can keep a list of all the men who have ever groped them on public transport.
If possible, opt for one that’s divided into sections, to help keep their world domination plans nice and organised. After all, there’s no thing worse than trying to destroy free speech, and only being able to find your plans for killing innocent unborn babies.
Eyeliner and Lipstick
Everybody knows that feminists aren’t worthy of attention unless their makeup is flawless; and no woman should be expected to destroy systematic oppression without perfectly winged eyeliner and bold red lipstick.
If you really want to go the extra mile, buy your favourite feminist some tissues to keep in her makeup bag as well, since women cry a lot. We wouldn’t want to spoil that flawless makeup, now would we?
To replace all the pairs she’s ruined with her free-bleeding nonsense.
A Sturdy Cauldron
Since all feminists are witches, obviously.
So there you have it – my feminist gift guide for 2016. Obviously, this is just a starting point. A feminist’s agenda is a very busy one, and she needs lots more tools to properly oppress men. But this gift guide covers the basics, and I’m sure your feminist friend will thank you!