3 Weird Thoughts I Still Having About Eating

3 Weird Thoughts I Still Having About Eating

Trigger Warning: This post contains talk of disordered eating, restriction, eating disorders, etc. If that’s likely to trigger or upset you, please don’t read this post!

Earlier on in Blogmas I talked about my reasons for not being vegan, and touched on my slightly troubled history with food and eating. Whilst I’ve never been diagnosed with an eating disorder, I have struggled off and on with food and eating for several years now. Although I’m at the point where my physical eating habits are generally healthy (as in, not disordered – not necessarily ‘nutritionally healthy’), I still struggle with disordered thoughts around food and eating.

Since I firmly believe that humour can be a great healer, today I thought I’d share with you 3 weird thoughts I still have about eating, even though I’m pretty much recovered. Because, let’s face it, brains can be weird as fuck and sometimes you’ve just got to laugh at how ridiculous your thought process is.

This person skipped lunch, so now I have to not eat for longer

I am naturally a very competitive person. Just ask anyone who’s every played Monopoly with me! Unsurprisingly, therefore, this trait has carried over into my difficulties with eating.

When I was at the height of my struggles, I used to ‘challenge’ myself to see how long I could go without eating. If I suddenly realised that it was 3pm and I’d not eaten anything, my brain would immediately challenge me to go longer. Even now, if I hear someone around me mention that they’ve not eaten, my brain tries to force me to enter into a weird silent competition with them.

In those situations, I usually drown my brain out with a bar of chocolate.

I must tell everyone everything I know about nutrition without letting on that I’ve ever had eating problems

One of the weird side effects of having once had eating problems is that I know a lot about nutrition and food in general. If you ever want to have a three hour conversation about your metabolism and how your body burns energy, I’m your gal.

Unfortunately, most ‘normal’ people don’t know this information, unless they’ve studied nutrition properly. Which means when I do inevitably start reeling off obscure facts about nutrition, most people look at my like I’m a little bit insane. Which maybe I am.

If I walk 10,000 steps today, I’m allowed to eat ALL the carbs

Obsessing over numbers has been a central part of my weird relationship with food and eating. Whether it was an arbitrary goal weight, or a particular number of calories, numbers have consumed much of my eating life. Which is weird really, given how much I despised maths at school.

Whilst counting calories and obsessing over goal weights are in the past, I still often find myself fixating on pointless numbers – and rewarding myself based on them. Most recently, I’ve found myself becoming obsessed with the number of steps I do in a day. Hitting the magical 10,000 steps that the internet insists is the holy grail of numbers has become somewhat of a personal challenge of mine.

Of course, realistically I just eat ALL the carbs ALL the time anyway, regardless of the number of steps I’ve done. Because nothing shuts up a stupid voice in your head quite like an entire pan full of pasta.

If you or anyone you know is struggling with issues around food and eating, I really encourage you to seek help. I am living proof that recovery is possible, and that you can get to a stage where you can laugh about the weird quirks of your brain. Below are some resources that you might find helpful:

B-eat – The UK’s Eating Disorder charity

Do I have an eating problem? – A video by Chidline ft. YouTuber Melanie Murphy

Eating Disorders – An introduction by the NHS

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6 Comments

  1. December 20, 2016 / 19:17

    Thanks for making yourself so vulnerable, I can relate so much. I have been obsessed with eating on-and-off for years, fluctuating in a range of about 20 lbs since high school. There was a time in college I ate because i was depressed, and then one summer i just stopped eating, and then i started running, and then i stopped running and started eating… it’s hard to know while I’m in a pattern whether it’s healthy or not, but talking about it definitely helps, and in hindsight I learn how these periods of obsession correlate with moods and external triggers.

    Anyways thanks for speaking out, may you continue on your path of recovery and be well! 🙂

    • Liv Woodward
      December 21, 2016 / 09:33

      Thanks for the lovely comment! Sorry to hear you’ve had similar struggles. I know what you mean – it’s hard to always know if your latest ‘habit’ is healthy or not. Thanks for the kind words, and I hope your recovery journey is smooth! x

  2. December 21, 2016 / 12:28

    Thank you for opening up. It’s such a brave thing to do and one I haven’t quite been able to yet! Learned behaviours from eating disorders are so hard to overcome that it feels like, no matter how much ‘better’ we think we are, that they’ll never go away. You’ve taken such a big step in acknowledging them and not only that but making them public. Even ten years after the worst of my eating problems I still feel this way so you’re not alone!.
    X

    • Liv Woodward
      December 21, 2016 / 12:41

      Thank you so much for your kind words. Although I’ve alluded to my eating troubles on my blog before, I’ve never opened up to this extent. Even when I was in the depths of my struggles, I only ever spoke about it on a private Tumblr account, so to be this open and vulnerable feels quite weird. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone in this. Sometimes I feel terrible, because although I’ve ‘recovered’ my brain still does stupid shit like this. It’s tough remembering that recovery is a process. Thank you again for your comment! x

  3. January 2, 2017 / 12:24

    Thank you for this post. I’m having a lot of intrusive thoughts about weight and numbers at the moment and while obviously I don’t want anyone else to be struggling it’s comforting to know I’m not alone.

    V <3
    http://sirvikalot.wordpress.com/blog

    • Liv Woodward
      January 2, 2017 / 13:47

      You’re welcome my doll. I’m sorry you’re struggling at the moment, but know we’re in this together. You can get through this! xx

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