Trigger Warning: This post contains mention of abortion and rape. If you are triggered or upset by either of those issues, you may want to give this post a miss!
So unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ll know that Donald Trump, fascist extraordinaire, is the President Elect of the United States of America. Which is, you know, terrible.
But if you’re looking to get on board with the new world order, I’m here to help. In just 10 easy steps you can survive this brave new world and become a proper Trump supporter.
1. Disregard everything you ever thought was true
We’re living in a post-truth world where facts and figures and, y’know, reality, are totally passé. So forget everything you ever thought was true, and just say what sounds good. And by ‘good’ I mean ‘completely and utterly racist’.
Forgetting every fact you’ve ever known can be quite daunting, however, so if you’re looking for somewhere to start, I suggest you begin with biology.
Forget every piece of biological knowledge you have relating to the female body and reproductive system. It’s all lies. All of it. Much like one does not simply walk into Mordor, one does not simply get a woman pregnant. As any good Republican or Trump supporter knows, female bodies have special defences that stop a woman getting pregnant in the case of rape.
Whether it’s a hormonal response that prevents ovulation, a certain secretion, which has a tendency to kill sperm, or spastic tubes that stop sperm, the female body is a magical thing that can stop pregnancy in the case of legitimate rape. Don’t worry that all of this contradicts biology, because you’re a Trump supporter now – you don’t need science!
2. Become a Murderer
Become a Murderer: In order to truly succeed as a Republican or Trump supporter, your stance on abortion needs to go beyond the reasonable pro-life position. It isn’t enough to simply value the life of a foetus, oh no. You must value the life of a foetus more than the life of any woman. Think fundamentalist Catholic and take it one step further.
Follow in the footsteps of those who proposed the bill in South Dakota to technically allow a husband is to murder the doctor trying to perform an abortion on his wife, regardless of whether or not the woman wants the abortion, by expanding the definition of ‘justifiable homicide’ to include a family member protecting the life of an ‘unborn child’.
Alternatively, embrace the ideology of Trump’s glorious Vice President, Mike Pence, and demand all women hold funerals for their aborted foetuses. The more callous your stance on abortion, the better!
3. Ignore the Constitution
Remember that great document the forefathers of America drew up? Forget it! When they said in the First Amendment that ‘Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion’, they didn’t really mean it. What they meant to say was ‘Congress shall make laws respecting the views of conservative Christians, and conservative Christians only’.
Equality for all? Don’t be silly! In a literal reading of the Bible women were inferior, therefore only ridiculous ‘radical feminists’ would argue that ‘justice demands that men and women be given an equal opportunity to make it to the top in the workplace’ – so says our great prophet Rick Santorum.
Good Christians don’t approve of birth control, therefore good Republicans and Trump supporters don’t either! How dare Obama make birth control free for all American women under the Affordable Care Act! How distinctly un-American of him! The gospel according to Rick Santorum says that birth control is ‘a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be’ and as a good Republican you will repeat this mantra until you are blue in the face.
4. Embrace Nazism
To be a good Trump supporter, you need to go beyond just being a radical Republican. To survive in Trump’s world, you need to embrace Nazism in all its fascist glory.
Remember that iconic Heil Hitler salute? It’s time we brought that back! Nazi vocab like ‘Lugenpresse’? Use it every day! Databases of Muslims and other minorities? Let’s create one ASAP! The key to making America great again is to embrace the ideology of one of history’s most evil men. Obviously.
And there you have it, the quick and easy guide to becoming a Trump supporter. No matter that there are only 4 parts to my 10 point plan – if Trump supporters can ignore the rules of basic human decency, I can ignore the rules of basic mathematics.